CRUSHING IT

A partner’s new crush can be exciting but is it time for a shared calendar yet?

My partner and I are in a serious, long-term, committed, nesting-partner relationship. We are both lesbians. Last year we became friends with a lovely group of new humans via an activist/organizing space where I volunteer. [My partner’s] crush is in this friend group and activist sphere. We both generally feel okay about this, and the crush has been communicated to the human, but if this crush works out into something more, neither of us are sure what this means for parties, group hangs, activist events. If my partner and their crush start dating, how do we all share space together in the future? How do we take care of everyone's feelings? I personally am not always the most comfy in groups, so I'm specifically worried about being extra on-edge, self-conscious, and awkward in a newish friend group situation, or feeling abandoned/unattended to by my partner. Though I also want the crush to feel comfortable and okay too! Halp!

The crush has been communicated! To the person! Halp is on the way!

I’m going to start off by saying that you’re jumping the gun pretty hard. You don’t yet know what shape your partner’s relationship with this person will take, but whether the dynamic becomes a brief tryst, an FWB situation, or an ongoing relationship, here are some things to consider if the relationship gets more involved.

It’s great that this person is already a part of the spaces that you and your partner inhabit! You’re already socially integrated to some extent. Think of interacting with this person the way that you would with a new close friend of your partner’s. You don’t necessarily need to be super tight, but start by getting to know them one on one. Meeting a metamour— a partner’s partner—is an interesting experience. You know so little about them, and yet the two of you are both intimately familiar with your shared partner’s quirks and you both know about the weird birthmark on their butt. There’s an unspoken intimacy to this bond.

By getting to know them individually, you’ll be more relaxed when you hang out with them or interact in group settings. This will also free your partner from getting caught in a game of telephone with the two of you as you collectively freak out over how to interact with each other at events.

I wonder if you’ve also buried the lede a bit. You admit to anxiety in groups and maybe this is your biggest worry. At the risk of slipping into Gen Z therapy speak, I encourage you to accept all of the feelings that come up both with yourself and your partner. Based on your question, it seems that you are new to polyamory and I encourage you to start slow. Opening a relationship is a process. It’s possible that you may feel jealousy, but whether or not you do doesn’t mean that you’re not meant for polyamory. Jealousy exists on a scale and everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum.

When it comes to making the crush feel comfortable, be transparent about the power dynamics that exist. You are in a long-term relationship with your partner. You live together. You have an intimacy and security that this outside person will likely never have with your partner. Support this person in cultivating their own relationship with your partner and discuss what needs, desires, and boundaries you all have. Would you rather die than go to a poetry reading? Then maybe that’s a space for the crush. How do you all feel about public displays of affection at group events attended by all? How does this person want to be introduced at events? Are you your partner’s default plus one at events or does this switch off between you and your partner’s crush? What do you need from your partner to feel secure at events? A brief check in before? Plans to debrief after?

Being in a relationship is a skill and taking part in a non-monogamous or polyamorous relationship requires these skills twofold. Prepare yourself for lots of conversations about feelings. Polyamory is full of people who love to analyze relationships. Many of these people have also written books. I’d highly recommend checking them out.

I assure you that this is going to be so much less weird than you think it will be. If you find yourself suddenly socially inept at an event with your partner’s crush, just go to a failsafe topic of conversation: So about that birthmark…