DON’T BELIEVE THE SWIPE

Hooking up with a community will help with your hookups

I’m newly ENM, a gender nonconforming married bisexual cis-man, and 47. I have so far found apps like Hinge, Tinder, and Feeld to be unsuccessful in finding dates or other poly people to connect with, nor are the majority of my friends open to being open. How can I meet more people like me, both for community and to date?

Dating is its own flavor of hell for everyone and dating as a married, newly poly man comes with its unique hurdles. I hate to tell you this, but it may be tougher for you for a number of reasons.

To a poly woman, for example, you could be seen as high risk, particularly one who doesn’t want to be you and your partner’s training wheels. People who are new to polyamory are going to be less experienced in setting boundaries and managing conflict with their partner while having another relationship. Poly women in particular have to sift through a lot of attached poly men who have no idea what they actually want or what they can realistically offer. I’m certainly not saying that you are one of these men, but that these are the stats you are fighting against. On the flip side, while it might be harder for you to be a first round draft pick on dating apps, the people that you do match with are likely going to be more invested.

Doing time on the apps and vesting your relational future to an algorithm may not be the best route for finding what you’re looking for, but I wouldn’t swear off dating apps entirely. Make sure that your profile reflects what you could actually offer to a potential partner.

Back in real life, however, focus on finding your community. By cultivating community, you’re likely going to meet people who also want to date you. There are many joys and difficulties that are unique to polyamory, and it can be so grounding to share them with people with whom you don’t have to explain or justify your relationship orientation to. People find community when they are living their lives more deeply and intentionally and getting to the place where you can just be will help you to feel not so damn thirsty. A friend recently told me that she met her partner the second that she decided to stop dating, because she wasn’t actively searching for a partner, she was able to welcome new people into her life organically. As someone who has attended events for the sole purpose of meeting my future wife, I would highly recommend going to events in which your primary goal is not to find someone to date, but ones that you genuinely want to go to. I did not act natural. My dream wife was not there. This might sound obvious, but try to put dating out of your mind as you search for community.

I’d recommend going to readings or panels hosted by poly writers and speakers, if that’s your thing. Play parties are another place where you can safely assume that the majority of people there are cool with some iteration of non-monogamy and polyamory. Many places that have play parties also have community events for poly people looking to connect with others.

In my own experience, I’ve met people because I’ve gone just slightly outside of my normal routine: talked to a stranger I was working next to at a café or stayed slightly later at a reading and been introduced to someone by a mutual friend. I’m not saying that you should stand outside of a play party and repeat affirmations to yourself, but that if you broaden your social horizons just a little bit, you will find people organically.

The dating and relationship industry has us believing that if we just spend a bit more money to be exposed to more people and more potential relationships, or if we just learn how to play the hidden rules of dating games, that the relationships we want will blossom in our lives. Like any business model, the dating and relationship industry is predicated on the idea that we are lacking and that we must devote time, energy, and resources in order to acquire whatever’s missing. Developing any kind of relationship is much simpler than that. It happens when you realize you have something to give someone else.