IN DEFENSE OF DATING APPS

Is it time to see the internet as one big app?

I'm a woman in my mid-40s. When I consider the dating apps out there they seem so damn complicated with all the online ways of relating. They make me feel old-fashioned in a strange way, so I’m really ambivalent about getting on there. But there doesn’t seem to be many/any ways to meet women and men in real life who are looking to date and who I’d also share some interests with. I don’t know why I’m so ambivalent about it though. I have friends who met their partners on an app. So, do you think I just have to get over whatever reluctance I have?

As a Gen Z/Millennial cusper, dating apps also make me feel old-fashioned in a weird way and I’ve been on them my entire adult life. Oscar Wilde, who met his lovers in social clubs and public bathrooms, wrote that “uncertainty is the essence of romance,” but the apps take out the exciting ambiguity of meeting someone who may or may not be looking for something romantic and make dating utilitarian.

I was in high school when my ex-step uncle introduced me to Tinder. He was staying at our house for an indefinite period of time and showed me a status update he made on Facebook. The post announced that he’d gone on five dates over the course of five days. He told me that he had a second date that week and a couple of fresh ones lined up the week after. I felt lucky to have courted my high school girlfriend over the course of a thirteen hour bus ride to Utah with the rest of our choir. Obviously, I would never have to resort to dating apps, but I did wonder if this would be my future: hours spent swiping through pixelated strangers on apps, and it was, but it wasn’t the only way I would find relationships.

On the apps, you know a lot of information going in. In your case, you know that you are a bi, forty-ish woman who is looking for a Hinge-y long-term relationship (open to short-term). You are going to meet a Theoretical Stranger: Lesbian, forty-five, looking for a life partner. You will both be meeting under the pretense (and hope) of establishing a romantic relationship. Knowing this information can save you time, but dating apps replace relationship seeking with a new kind of uncertainty. Not only are you overwhelmed by options, but there’s the added pressure of trying to get a total stranger to go on a date with you through a few carefully selected messages in a short window of time.

My ex-step uncle’s post on our family desktop computer still haunts me today. I remember that twinge of embarrassment and discomfort that I would come to know well fifteen years into the future: the days when I would have several dates lined up and spend hours staring into pixelated faces of strangers wondering how many people they are talking to.

But given my age, I stand by the online ways of relating! I encourage you to accept The Internet as a sphere that broadens romantic possibilities. You could DM an acquaintance on Instagram and invite them out for coffee or ask someone out over Zoom chat in a virtual gay writing workshop, both moves successfully attempted by me. And of course, there are the in-person ways of relating: unconsciously attracting the only other person at a party who has IBS and, coincidentally, also went through a break up a month ago, or striking up a conversation with someone that you’ve seen for years at a coffee shop but never spoken to. And of course: da apps.

So, how do you navigate them?

I will say that I take my ease with them for granted. It’s highly likely that the people you match with who are your age probably also find dating apps awkward and strange, if that is any consolation. Try testing the waters by creating a profile with the goal of trying to meet up with just one person from the app without any kind of expectation. I would highly recommend Hinge, which has more specific prompts than other apps. You don’t need a dating app photo shoot, but choose photos of you in action, on a hike or at a conference. Try starting by spending 10-15 minutes at a time on dating apps, and in a moment of uncertainty or overwhelm, it’s never a bad idea to show your profile to a blunt but kind friend.

When it comes to messaging, I will console you with the fact that dating app conversation is a little awkward no matter who you are or how long you’ve been on the apps. All you need to do is connect with someone in a low-stakes way. Comment on something that they wrote in their profile or ask them a question about an interest they listed, and then invite them out to a low-stakes hang, like coffee or a museum, with the plan to meet up with a friend afterwards. If it’s weird, you can leave after an hour.

Dating apps aren’t the only way to meet people. Think back to how you met past partners. Was it through work or school? What made you receptive to them? Sometimes what prevents us from meeting people is the fear and the belief that we never will. Sometimes it’s not how we meet partners, but the fact that we are open and receptive to meeting people in general.

Got a question for PolyHannah? Email her at dearpolyhannah@gmail.com