LICENSE TO DATE
Are we ever really ready for relationships?
I feel like I should get my life/mental health in order before I seriously date, but at the same time, I’m lonely and crave companionship. I don’t enjoy casual sex without a sustained emotional connection, so I’m not looking for one-night stands. In other words, how do you recommend seeking out companionship/navigating dynamics with someone who is more than a friend, but not a Relationship? Additionally, do you feel it’s healthier to fix one’s fraught mental health/self-image before pursuing romantic entanglements? HELP!
At the beginning of relationships, people become what psychologist Lori Gottlieb calls, an ambassador of the self, a confident spokesperson for who you are and what you’re about. This period lasts for a couple of months until people feel comfortable enough to show their actual flaws and vulnerabilities. It’s hard to be a good ambassador of yourself when you feel like your life is imploding and every date essentially requires you to carefully avoid reporting on the disintegration of your life. However, I do feel like when we hit rock bottom, we can actually be a better ambassador of the self than when we feel that we have everything figured out because there is less pressure to perform. This can give you a kind of confidence because your only option becomes honesty.
My first serious relationship began right when I went through a mental health crisis, got laid off, and less importantly, got a serious piercing infection. This made dating easier because I didn’t have any hope of being able to pretend like I had my life together. Let me emphasize: a piercing infection that required two rounds of antibiotics and also pliers. I felt like I had less than nothing to lose, and because of this I was able to be more honest about who I was, which is a big part of why the relationship began. Not to sound like a total simp: but it was the redemptive force of love that helped my mental health. I have zero tolerance for the “you need to love yourself first before you love someone else” sentiment because it implies that we can only be loved by people when we are lovable ourselves. You would never say, I need to fix my mental health before pursuing friendships, because friendship is the very thing that does often fix our mental health, but when it comes to relationships, there is a lot of pressure in having everything figured out before seriously dating.
That said, sometimes taking a break can be good. We often attract unavailable people or shut down potentially good opportunities when we are operating from a place of insecurity. When we push ourselves to date when we are truly not ready, this can lead to using other people as unintentional rebounds or getting burned out.
So, how do you navigate pursuing a relationship with someone that isn’t totally transient but also doesn’t have the gas pedal taped to the floor? Going into hardcore partner acquisition mode and setting up two to four Hinge dates a week isn’t necessary, and from your question it seems like a one-night stand will probably have a suboptimal impact on your mental health.
You write that you want companionship and sexual connection, but without the pressures of a capital R relationship. You can’t have closeness without risk. You don’t need to fix your mental health and self-image in order to date. You need to figure out (and communicate!) which risks you’re willing to take and the ones you want to avoid.
Let yourself be open to the possibility of relationships taking their own shape as opposed to fearing the possibility of Seriousness.