SITCHES AND STITCHES
It's best to be direct about both relationships and foot injuries
I’m wondering when the best time to disclose to a new crush is, in terms of being poly and having a partner? I’m a queer poly woman, interested in someone but we don’t get a lot of time to talk. We’re limited to ten or fifteen minute conversations at lit events, just enough time to make small talk and know we have a few things in common. She seems to like me too, but it’s hard to say. I don’t know if she’d be interested if she knew my situation. I’m sure this is a problem poly people have always faced, so any insights on how to drop the “I have a partner but...” is appreciated! Let me know how to rip the bandage off better.
At the risk of sounding wishy-washy, I’m a semi-indirect person, but mostly very much in favor of sexual and romantic tension in all forms. The difficulty of disclosing is that it can sometimes puncture that exciting and uncertain newness. You don’t know if she’ll be interested in your situation until you disclose that you have a partner. She might not be interested in dating someone who has another partner but she could also have a partner and could be going to these events with the intention of meeting someone. You never know.
I’d recommend asking her to coffee to talk about writing. A one-on-one, relatively neutral activity in which you could look Very Good and mention that you happen to be in an open relationship. This way, you can organically disclose a fact about your life and get a sense of her thoughts on polyamory. Whether she looks concerned about “how that all works with your partner” or asks you to get drinks a week later, you’ll have your answer. This is a tried and true method of seducing someone while disclosing relationship status and it definitely has worked on me.
You’re not dropping bad news on her but you’re acting like you are. Think of it not as “I have a partner but…” instead, “I have a partner and…”
Disclosing in polyamorous or nonmonogamous relationships is a hurdle that people face over and over. When do you tell a new person that you already have a partner? And when do you tell an existing partner that you’re into someone else? If you disclose too early you run the risk of appearing as sexually single minded (not always a bad thing), but if you wait too long you run the risk of seeming evasive.
In general, it’s important to disclose the information that other people need to make an informed decision about your relationship. For example, I got foot surgery two weeks ago. I texted an embarrassing number of people about it a) to let them in on the horror of having your foot not only stitched up but experiencing your ankle become bruised and squishy and b) so they would not expect me to take a train to meet them. My number one fear is the yawning, uneven steps of an MTA station. Likewise, disclosure involves some fear — it acknowledges your sitch, and invites others into your life and allows them to meet you where you are at fairly, whether it is religiously bedbound or poly and partnered.
Polyamorous relationships demand more honesty than monogamous relationships. The sooner and more you disclose, the easier it will become.