THE SUBTLE ART OF BEING TOO MUCH

What's the best way to disclose your relationship needs?

So recently I got ghosted and it made a whole host of feelings come up. I’m always honest about my mental and physical health struggles without getting into too much detail. Now I'm wondering what the balance is between being honest about what's going on or keeping it to myself? The fact is in the past I've been accused of being “too much” after laying a majority of the cards on the table so to speak. I'm too needy has also been said to me though when speaking of my past and health issues I make sure to state that I mainly just take care of myself. It would be nice to have the support of my SO but it's not always needed. Then jump to the other side where I keep this close to the chest and don't divulge in the beginning. I'm then told that I'm dishonest and not open. Worse, I have been called manipulative because I let the issues come out organically. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Queer dating is hard enough. Add in that all you want is to find that one person in life that is willing to accept you just like you would them. Help! What is a 40+ Queer Femme to do?

There’s a lot of shame about being a “needy” person that really needs to be dispelled. As a self-and-other-identified needy person, I was reading the book Attached alone in the park, an undisclosed amount of time ago. The book delves into attachment theory, which explores how our attachments to caregivers early in life influence our romantic relationships in adulthood; attachment theory is also something that people obsess over in adulthood when their romantic lives are really not working out. On dates everyone claims to be secure, but alone on my bench, I once identified myself as an anxious-attacher (a person convinced that they will be abandoned) and I came across a part that read that “we are only as needy as our unmet needs.” Which ranks as one of the most validating things that I have read in a long time. Needs are relative. A request that would be needy to one person is a request that another person would be happy to fulfill. “You’re too needy” is a statement that we use to shame ourselves and others for being too much, and sometimes that’s true, which doesn’t mean anything negative about either person, but that the two of you are probably not compatible in a romantic relationship.

Mental and physical health struggles do make you needy and that isn’t a bad thing at all. Knowing your needs and limitations is far better than not knowing and realizing far too late that you are with the completely wrong person. Dating is really just a process of finding out whether your too-muchness or not-enoughness fits with someone else's expectations. Given that you have mental and physical health struggles, I can only imagine how frustrating it is to continually need to bring this up to see how people respond. How much do you divulge? And how early on?

You don’t have to tell the person (or people) you are dating immediately. Bring it up as you are getting to know the person and sharing information about yourself. Every relationship involves some kind of adapting to the other person. Imagine what it might be like for the other person who is encountering all of these cards on the table. Some people might not respond well initially, but end up being great and understanding partners. Others might seem responsive, but realize that they need to bail early on. Some people might have a lot of experience dating people with physical and mental health struggles, but a lot of people don’t. Imagine if you were in their position. What might it be like to encounter all of these cards on the table? Give it time.

You write that on dates you make sure to state that you mainly just take care of yourself, but you don’t need to. Figure out what you can reasonably get from yourself and what you actually would like from this other person, which I imagine might feel painful, as it is painful to want things from another person and be uncertain if they can give it to you. You don’t need to perform unnecessary independence on dates — that is what could be making you get misread as “manipulative.” Transparency isn’t manipulation. Be honest about what you want and you’re likely to weed out the people who you aren’t compatible with anyways. The mutual dependence in a relationship is especially transformative for people who have mental and physical struggles: don’t shy away from wanting that.

Yes, queer dating is hard, but if you continue to dwell on it, you are just going to hit the same wall of sadness every time. Are there also ways that you can feel supported either through friends or community that can help alleviate the pressure of finding a romantic partner? Feeling secure in yourself while you seek out a romantic partner is actually kind of great.